2025-12-25 2:33am
hello, it's a strange thing to be typing this out now. but i thought, something must be said about these songs, at least to myself, let alone no one else
i should be allowed to say whats on my mind
...
i don't know what's to come after all of this work, i'm not sure anyone finds it interesting anymore. i'm not sure if i'm the right person for the job that i've tasked myself with. but at some point, these all meant something to me, and i trusted myself to carry them over the finish line. if i give up now, i'll have been betraying the last version of me that felt a sense of direction and purpose in his life. that version was, albeit slightly less content, hungry, excited, optimistic, trusting in others. i don't even go out anymore, i just stay inside and work on these mixes with every second i can. and still, it's not good enough to me. it's such a strange feeling to grow up with an idea of what you're supposed to be, only to watch it slip through your fingers and pass you in the metro station. i want to be artistic, i want to be able to call myself an artist. but it feels as though life has not given me the opportunities or connnections needed to be succesful in that field. the bands only been around 2 years and we've already accomplished so much, but i still feel like we slack behind on the expected course of a band, musical project. is this how big things get? is this the extent of my talent? how shallow will i be, when i've given out my chance to prove something, and if it makes no impact on anyone anywhere? what would it all have been for? why was I given this love for music, the hardships, loneliness, heartbreak, everything i've suffered through, why was i given it if there's no payoff for what it produces? i know the common thing said is you should make things for yourself, but If i'm to be a more honest person I would have to declare that I desire success. I desire to make something beautiful, to inspire someone else to make something better, to move forward the medium. I want to play a part in the story. I don't want to be on the sidelines, like I've often felt before